So after my last blog so many of the readers asked me add to the types of situations I've either heard of, experienced myself, or helped a friend in regards to settling when it comes to romantic relationships. And looking back they are so cliche and I am sure each reader can agree. If you have one to add, please email or comment and I can do a post on them as well. So let's talk...because I pretty much found these to be funny while writing them, but sad in the fact that they happen so often.
"Mrs. Hurt and Independent" and "Retired Ladies Man"
This is the Gabrielle Union portrayed character, strong, independent, but very much hurt, who meets the ladies man, who is finally actually ready to settle down. She will only give just enough to satisfy certain areas, but never truly lets him in. She doesn't need a man, and makes that clear, and he's so used to getting anything he wants, that this time he feels she's the one. Both hurt, but on two different ends of the spectrum. She will only allow someone so close to satisfy her needs whether just someone to talk to for the day or just someone to have occasional fun with, but does not offer commitment. She acts like nothing he really does bothers her, because he can quickly be replaced with work or life's busyness. He feels that she doesn't need him so why should he try so hard after so many failed attempts. He's hurt so many and she's been hurt by many, the typical plot in a movie. In the movies, they fall in love after some misunderstanding that leads the audience to believe it's over, and some how magically they end up back together. In reality, the life we live in, neither usually lets their pride go. They usually try to hide their baggage, not realizing no matter who they end up with they have to unpack the baggage one way or another. Notice the "Mrs." because in her mind, her heart is locked away and taken, by her past hurt.
"Pretty Woman" and "Mr. $uccessful"
She's everything that glitters on the outside, but on the inside you find no gold. He's handsome, successful, and rich, but in the inside is a little boy, trying to prove he is the MAN. They take beautiful pictures, yet are both so insecure on the inside. He's happy to look like a guy who has it all, so is she, but deep down, it's still not enough. Because there's no amount of money, makeup, praises, or material things that can truly give them the approval they really desire. And it usually stems from the disapproval or discouragement from family and friends growing up. They find themselves still trying to prove that they are enough, not even knowing that even back then, they were always enough. The world looks at their social media pages and envies them. They set trends and everyone wants to be around them, yet they are striving and striving to get, what they already have. The surface of their relationship is superficial and very shallow. Sooner or later the relationship ends due to the inability to resolve minor issues since it was never built on a solid foundation to begin with.
"Ms. Right" and "Mr. Not Right Now"
This is probably one of the most common situations I hear about and I have even found myself in a similar situation previously. You meet a guy and develop what seems to be a great friendship and the makings of a great relationship. The more time you spend together, the more you get to know one another, the more it may begin to feel as if this may be the relationship you've been waiting for. You are now to the point where you two have almost intertwined your lives so that a lot of your schedule includes the other person. As time goes on you can't help but wonder why the friendship has not moved forward to the next level. You are sure that you like this person and they have expressed that they feel the same about you. You try to give it time before asking so it won't seem like you're jumping the gun or being impatient. You may have previously had a conversation regarding the topic, but he's made the reference that he just wasn't ready for a relationship so you try to be patient. The reality is, the first time you hear that is when you have to fall back and stop giving this person a lot of your time and energy. Matter of fact, you may want to run.lol I know you may be thinking, "but he's a great guy and he has a lot of the qualities I would love to have in a mate." You may even feel that the more you prove to him how great of a woman you are he may finally make that move. The honest truth is a man that is not ready, is just as wrong for you as the guy who does not know what he wants. There is nothing you can do for a man who is not ready to be in a relationship. It is a personal choice when someone decides to be in a relationship. Regardless of the fears of all the possible things that could go wrong in a relationship, it is a personal choice to let those fears hold you back. You cannot push a man past his fears, only he can decide to do that. And honestly, who really wants to settle for someone they have to convince that they're worth fighting their fears for? The fear of being in a relationship in our generation is real, so I'm not discounting that it's not easy to be vulnerable and allow someone the opportunity to hurt you. What I am saying is, one day there will come a person who against all fears makes you feel as if it's worth it to give yourself up. What do I mean by giving yourself up? I mean giving up your fears, ego, and pride to engage in a relationship with this person. Ladies, if he isn't willing to do this, say goodbye. Don't try to hang on to the friendship either, because if he isn't wanting all of you, he shouldn't be able to receive any of the benefits of you without taking on any of the responsibility. You're worth someone saying they choose you, as you have done. If you have been bold enough to get over your fears to be with them, they should mutually do the same. If not, wish them the best, and say goodbye. Then, make the decision that to prevent this in the future you'll decide not to give too much of your time and energy on the front end. Instead you'll guard your heart just a little more. Because even your time and energy are a gift and privilege, so please do not squander it on someone who does not see you worth giving themselves up for.
I am so excited to introduce the She-Talks podcast! I will be updating every week on new and exciting topics, so please feel free to email me any ideas you may have at email@example.com. Also, you can check the podcast out 24/7 via the blog site or SoundCloud by searching Rissa Christine! I hope you enjoy the podcast and I will occasionally have guest join me so be sure to check it out! And as always love you all and hope you are having a great week!
It's that unsettling feeling in your stomach, where you know you want somebody, but you don't want just anybody, conflicting right? He or She may be handsome or beautiful, they at least have a consistent job, and you have a good time with them. But we all know deep down that's NOT enough if you know you are settling for less. But sadly we stick around and play it safe with mediocrity because deep down we wonder if that certain person or what our heart desires will ever really happen. So we wait and we stay with the person, hoping to maybe shape or mold them into the person we desire to be with, knowing that deep down you two are in different places and are just not a good fit for each other. Let me give you a few examples of this scenario.
The "When the time is right guy" and the "The girl who sees the potential in everyone aka Ms.Too Nice"
He continuously says he's just waiting for the right time to make you his woman, and that he's taking things slow to make sure things are right, because he's been in bad relationships before. He asks you out last minute, unless you initiate a date which is usually a concert or something that requires tickets so he has to commit right then and there. If your friends or family ask about him, you constantly find yourself making the little things he does sound so amazing and sweet and you down play or hold back part of the truth on the all the real issues. You clear your schedule for the weekend and find an outfit just in case he contacts you to go out or for him to come over. Then you get disappointed when it never happens and tell yourself that it's cool because you guys didn't have anything planned and you know he's probably busy. Whenever you ask him where you guys are and where does he see things going, he says that ya'll are great friends and he likes how things are going so things continue how they are. You convince yourself that you're rushing and he's right, so you tell yourself its okay and that you two are on the same page. As much as it hurts, you are wrong, wrong, wrong. Stop searching for the stories of the one girl who waited for the guy and he became everything she wanted and more, because those situations are a rare exception to the rule and usually 100% of the time what the story does not mention is that she or he still settled in one area or another.
The "Opportunist" and the "Girl/Guy with Low self-esteem"
He/She continuously tells you how much they adore you when you are doing something for them. You find yourself always wanting to get them cute little gifts or take them out, but sooner or later you see that it isn't reciprocated. Or you see that when you can't do anything monetary for them, they aren't available. You know deep down you probably aren't the only person who has their attention and you can feel sometimes that they are a little distant. But you tell yourself that it's better to be with them than to be with no one, plus you have some good memories, usually the ones where you have funded the activity, so you stay. And there are moments where it even feels real, because they verbally tell you how much you mean to them, which is usually when they begin to feel bad because deep down they know they aren't really in it for the long haul with you so they try to make themselves really see you as more and try to like you more, when truly they don't. Both parties have low self-esteem, they just use different methods to soothe or try to fill the void. One believes that maybe if I make their dreams come true by buying them things and spoiling them, they will feel special and in return love me, and then I'll also feel special and worth it. The other believes, I must be special because they give me anything I want, but deep down that doesn't truly satisfy you. Both are settling, because they believe thats probably as good as it's going to get.
The two things that you must know if you are in this situation:
1. The old, loud, screaming cliche that you constantly see on social media posts or hear from your friends is still brutally true. "If someone wants to spend time with you they will, no if, and, or buts about it. If they want to call or text you they will, if they want to make you their significant other they will. No one can stop a man/woman if they are truly determined to have someone or something." The only excuse that is acceptable is death in the family, recently divorced/widowed because those things do take a little more patience, or complicated situations that include children, such as a sick child who requires a lot of a parents time. Other than that, Sis..Bro...wake up, just as much as you want to talk to them, see them, or pursue them it should always, always, always be mutual. From experience I know that deep down you know it doesn't feel good and you know that tiny voice in the back of your head is right.
2. Love yourself and Love others, but to love others as yourself, you must first Love yourself! About 9 out 10 situations like this is because one person lacks the self-esteem or confidence to believe they deserve better than what they are receiving. But to not only realize you deserve better, but to act on it, requires you to come face to face with the truth and accept it. Then take the steps necessary to move forward. No it's not as easy as it sounds, but if you never take the first step you will find yourself deeper entangled in a situation than necessary. GET OUT, RUN, before you find yourself settling even more. Fall in love with yourself, realize that the world has so much more to offer than just a relationship. A successful woman or man, is still successful with or without a relationship. A relationship should not define your success, because without it, you will believe that you are not worthy, when you are in fact more than worthy. Remember, its unsettling to settle for less...so don't.
You deserve someone who will put in just as much effort as you and genuinely wants to be with you. Point, Blank, Period. You shouldn't have to guess or wonder how someone feels about you, because their words and actions should express that. Be patient for what you want, because it will come, don't settle.
Clarissa C. Burton, M.S.W
Devoted to guiding others toward living a life they don't need a vacation from.