I hope everyone is already having a great week and enjoyed the Labor Day Holiday. A few ladies have sent in questions that they wanted answered and were open to me sharing them in hopes to help others that may have the same questions. Below are some of the questions that were submitted.
1. I know God loves me, why won't he send me a man that does too?
God does love you without question. Though we must understand that timing is everything. A lot of times we think we are ready for a relationship and we honestly are not. We should use our time wisely as single women, because when the time does come for us to be in a relationship or married our focus now is more so centered on building our family. Which means, without choice some things will be left on the back burner. As a single woman take advantage of the time you have now. Time to do things that you may not have time to do once you are married with children. For example, if you've always dreamed of writing a book or starting a business. Also, if you are in school right now focus on that. Yes, you may be able to juggle classes, a relationship, and work. However, the best choice would be to wait until you are finished with your studies. It eliminates distractions that can be detrimental to your academic record. Ladies, I know that you may desire a relationship, but you must trust that God's timing is perfect. He knows when and where to introduce you to the right person. Trust His timing.
2. The bible says to love on another but how can I love someone who hurt me? Loving someone who hurt you is not honestly possible through your own will. It must take the will of both you and God. We must forgive and love others for hurting us, because God forgives and loves us when we hurt him with our choices. Pray for a forgiving and loving heart, but also for healing from past hurt. We must renew our minds to love even when others are not deserving of it. I am not saying go out of your way to show that you have forgiven them, but make a decision that you will no longer allow their actions to dictate your action to love. Give it time and be patient, and it will get easier to love those who hurt you.
4. It's hard to feel God's presence when you can't touch him etc, how can I know that he's around comforting me and healing me? God gives us peace that surpasses all understanding. The more time we spend talking to Him and reading His word, the closer we feel to Him. Spend time purposely everyday with Him. You will begin to feel a sense of peace wrapped around you and you will just know that He is with you. It resembles when we spend time with family or friends and begin to feel closer to them. The more you talk, the closer you feel, and the more you feel they have your back. It is the same way with God.
5. I am sexually active, I always ask for forgiveness but I end up doing the same thing. Is God tired of me asking forgiveness? God will never be tired of you asking for forgiveness. There is nothing that can separate His love for us. Though in return, when we say we love Him, we must show it not only by words, but also by action. It is true that actions speak louder than words. So what are your actions saying to Him? Go and talk to God and ask Him for help with the issue. If you want to stop ask Him to help you fight the urges for both you and your partner. We live in a world that glorifies sex and He understands that it is hard for many to sustain from it. If you truly want to quit, pray. Spend time with God and let him know the desires of your heart. It worked for me and I can say I truly want to honor God in all I do so that means I had to make a decision on what was more important to me and begin to act on it. Email me if you need any help in this area and I will be glad to share more on what I did to help.
6. I'm trying to get stronger in my faith, but I feel like I have to be perfect and I'm not. What should I do? First understand that no one will ever be perfect. There is only one perfect (Jesus) and He was enough to cover all of our imperfections. This issue is most commonly connected to self-esteem and self-doubt. Start now by building yourself esteem with daily affirmations. Daily affirmations are words that you speak aloud over yourself to boost your confidence and/or change your situation. For example, in the mornings when I wake up I read sticky notes that I have posted on my mirror. Most of them are reminders to love others as I love myself. These affirmations can be tailored to where you feel imperfect. In Genesis 1:26, it tells us that we were made in God's image and likeness. There is nothing wrong with striving for perfection, but understand that we will never be completely perfect, but it okay because where we are weak, it allows Him to step in and be strong for us.
7. I have jealousy and hatred in my heart, how can I get rid of that? Honestly, I would first see where the jealousy and hatred is coming from. Is it that you want what others have or is it that you are envious of where they are, but you are not? Regardless, we have to ask ourselves how would we like it if someone had hate or jealousy towards us? Treat others as you would want to be treated. Ask God to help you remove the hate and jealousy you have towards others. The time we spend hating and envying someone is time we have surely wasted. Learn to be happy for everyone even if they have wronged you. We have to do right, even when doing right is hard, or no one else seems to be doing right either. No matter the circumstance we must remain in love and let God fight our battles for us.
8. Help! I keep ending up talking to the wrong guys, any advice on how to meet the right one? Stop searching and let God do the picking for you. We have to stop giving every guy that asks for our number a chance. Make a list of what you desire in a man and line it up with what you believe God wants for you as well. Honestly, 8 out of 10 men upon meeting will not meet the requirement. The two who at least pass the "can I have your number" test, can be figured out through conversation without ever having to waste your time on a date. Ask specific questions you would like to know, of course do not be too forward asking how many kids he would like to have and all of that, but ask the basics.
Does he believe in God, as in he believes in Jesus dying for our sins, not just a higher power? Does he have a job? Does he have any kids? What is his education status?
Some of these may not matter to you, but whatever does matter to you, ask him. If he has a problem with the questions then back off and leave it at that. If he wants to get to know you he should have no problem with you being concerned and wanting a few disclaimers so you won't waste your precious time.
9. I want to have a good heart, but I hate being disrespected. How can I let people know I'm not a doormat, but I do have a good heart? Be yourself and keep your good heart. If you begin to feel that someone is treating you like a doormat or on the verge of doing so SAY SOMETHING. Of course, be careful in the way you say it, but speak honestly about it. If you are wondering if it is worth saying something use the 24hr policy. This means after 24hrs if you still feel a certain way about the issue after praying and thinking on it, SAY SOMETHING. If something bothers you persistently for a day, then it is worth saying something the next day, and too much time has not gone by. If someone truly values your friendship they will take your thoughts seriously and respect your wishes. If not, do your best to keep things cordial with the person, but nothing more. And as always, never stop loving them, just know their position in your life.
10. I feel less than because all my friends went to college and I didn't. Any words of encouragement? Anyone has the capability, with help, to succeed in college, but that does not mean everyone has to go to college. Each of you made different choices and those choices were for you to make and only you. Do not let others determine your worth, only you can determine that. If your friends are making you feel that way, talk to them about it and let them know how it is affecting you. If they are real friends they will understand and stop. If they are not real friends distance them from your life by just being cordial. You do not have to make a big argument out of it, just take note of it, and make the necessary adjustments. No matter if you chose to go to college or not, you are still important and you have a purpose.
11. How do I get past a break up? I really liked this question, because a few years ago I wish I would have had someone answer this for me. Breakups are different for everyone so if you have any specific questions do not hesitate to send me an email. So, of course we all know that it takes time to heal from past relationships. Alongside of time, is healing and restoration. Both of which depends on you and if you are willing to allow the time for both to happen. First, cut all ties that you have with the person: texting, phone calls, and social media. I am not saying you cannot be friends, just right now you need time apart so no communication is best. I know for me I never used to like blocking a guy, because deep down I wanted to know what he had to say, even if I did not reply. Unfortunately, I would say I was not going to reply, but I did anyway. So, blocking is good if you cannot control the urge to reply. Next, do not jump into another relationship, because it just shows that you are looking for someone to fill that void and take away the hurt. Another person can only do that for so long before even they will not be enough to suppress the hurt. So do not by any means involve someone new. Now, use this time to reflect on the past, but also accept and enjoy the future. Take responsibility for your actions that may have caused a few issues and think of why you made some of the decisions you made. Also, take notes so the same pattern does not repeat itself. Then, find it in your heart to forgive your ex-partner and yourself. You do not have to let him know you have forgiven him (refrain from sending paragraph goodbye messages, they never help), just remind yourself every time you have a negative thought towards him that you have forgiven him and it is the past. For the future, start finding out who you are and what you really want. There are times we allow the world to influence who or what we want and we should not. Spend this time praying, getting more connected to Christ, and learn more about you. At the right time, you will be introduced to the right person and things will finally make more sense to you.
* Whew, I know that was long, but I still have many more questions and I want to be able to answer everyone so check back later this week for the new questions.
*If you have any questions on the answers I gave please do not hesitate to comment or send me a personal email to email@example.com.
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Have a great week and as always I will be praying for each and every one of you! - Love, Rissa
Clarissa C. Burton, M.S.W
Devoted to guiding others toward living a life they don't need a vacation from.